More Late Night Humor

"Everyone knows that Congress people are assigned to committees based on their great weakness. Why would Senator Ted Stevens – a man more comfortable in the horse and buggy era – be in charge of regulating the Internet, which he believes is a series of tubes? A series of tubes though which other congressmen can reach through and fondle 16-year-olds." – John Oliver on The Daily Show

"I have the latest on the Mark Foley sex scandal. Apparently, new evidence that just came out shows that former Congressman Mark Foley once engaged in Internet sex with a former page while a vote was being taken in the House. Apparently, instead of voting 'Aye,' Foley voted 'Oh God yes!'" – Conan O'Brien

"But in fairness to the Republicans, let me just throw this out: who invented the Internet? That's right, Al Gore, a Democrat. If it wasn't for him, none of this would have happened. Run with it, Fox News!" – Jimmy Kimmel

"[Foley's] in rehab, which means it only happened because he was drinking. We've all done it folks – drunk dialing.' It's just that in Foley's case, it was 'drunk texting erotic messages to underage pages about masturbation.' ... It's simple. You drink, you forget things – especially things that could endanger minors. And I know people are wondering why Condoleezza Rice can't remember a July 2001 meeting with George Tenet where he warned her an al Qaeda attack was likely, even though White House records prove the meeting happened. She probably just blacked out. She was playing a drinking game. Every time you hear George Tenet say 'imminent,' you take a shot." – Stephen Colbert

"You know what's really the most damaging? ABC is reporting that Mark Foley interrupted a vote on the House floor to have online phone sex with a 16-year-old student. Say what you want about Bill Clinton. He could sit at his desk, have sex and work at the same time. He was a multi-tasker." – Jay Leno

"As soon as the news broke, Foley checked himself into an alcohol treatment facility. Alcohol is an amazing thing. It turns completely normal politicians into perverts, and completely normal actors into anti-Semites." – Jimmy Kimmel

"The number one movie this week is 'Open Season,' about young male pages working for Congress." – Jay Leno

"Let's see what is going on with Father Foley. I'm sorry, Congressman Foley. As I'm sure you know by now, after getting caught sending explicit e-mails to underage boys, Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned. So his seat is up for grabs, which is what got him into trouble in the first place." – Jay Leno

"Mark Foley has now checked into rehab for alcoholism. Like that's the big problem. Who cares if he's addicted to Jack Daniels? He's addicted to little Jack and little Daniel. That's the problem." – Jay Leno

"This scandal with Foley has finally led to some bipartisan cooperation in Congress. For example, Republican leaders had to meet with Ted Kennedy to find out what's the best rehab center." – Jay Leno

"I don't know how long Foley will be in rehab, but I'm pretty sure they don't want him home answering the door on Halloween." – Jay Leno