Why we love Joe.My.God.

"Tonight, I'm sucking one THIS big!" Florida Homo-Elect Charlie Crist, celebrates. The closeted Repub guv-to-be said, "Tonight we all came together as one, just like that time at the Folsom after-party!" Executive offices are quickly being redecorated in Tallahassee as local paint stores report a run on aubergine, eggshell and seafoam. Crist has already begun cruising for Florida's Director of Homeland Security. "No fats, no fems, no total bottoms!"












On Larry King [earlier in the week] Bill Maher outed Republican National Chairman Ken Mehlman (pictured, singing along to the cast album of Gypsy, in his closet).

Yawn. Old news, Bill.






Ted “Tina” Haggard, commenting on gay pride parades in 1996: "I don't understand it. It would be like having Murderer's Pride Day." (via Salon.com)










SINGALONG: SUPERTELEVANGELISTIC SEX-AND-DRUGS PSYCHOSIS
(Lyrics by M. Spaff Sumsion, you know the tune!)

I used to be a master of the anti-gay crusade
Until a butch disaster blew my pastor masquerade
But if it's true I'm pounding more than pulpits, don't blame me
It's 'cause I caught my hooker-tweaker-stud's infirmity

It's
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
Worse than plague and bird flu crossed with osteoporosis
We were playing doctor and he gave this diagnosis:
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis

Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye
Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye

I found the perfect therapist - the kind that gives massage
I like to drive my Escort and I park in his garage
I swear he only serves me crank when all his coke is gone
And then he helps me straighten out my Peter, James, and John

Blame
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
That's my greatest guilty pleasure next to Guns N' Roses
Good thing there's no ban on it in all the books of Moses
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis

Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye
Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye

It seems all pious public figures bugger on the sly
But Jesus loved republicans and sinners; so must I
Say "Holy moley, Mister Foley! That boy's underage!"
But I believe the congressman has turned another page

Oh!
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
Next time, better cut me off at handshakes and Mimosas
No more meth or men for me (at least in overdoses)!
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis!