No Sex Please, We're Single

If you have one chance to convince an undecided Independent or a Republican to vote Democratic this year, I'd like to suggest the following:

The Bush administration would like to spend your taxpayer dollars on convincing unmarried men and women not to have sex before age 30.

Yes, Abstinence Only--if it's good for the 'tweens, it's great for the twenty-somethings.

The Department of Health and Human Services, which administers the 50 million dollar program, has issued new guidelines telling the states that they can get funding to teach abstinence to anybody up to age 29.

The party that covered up Mark Foley's stalking of teenagers, and the president who campaigned for a Pennsylvania Congressman who admitted an affair with a 29 year old woman, would like to ask all you singles out there to just say no to sex, at least until you're 30. (No telling whether there's an exemption for relationships with members of Congress).

I know, I know. Iraq. Katrina. Health care. Social Security. Minimum Wage. Habeas corpus. Torture. Privacy rights.

Any and all of them should be reason enough to kick these clowns out of Washington.

But let's face it, sex gets people's attention, and for a simple, breath-taking example of over-bearing, self-righteous, intrusive, government over-reach, you really can't do much better than funding abstinence only programs for unmarried adults. (At least, I hope you can't).

By the way, where do you hold the classes? The party room at Applebee's right before Happy Hour? Or maybe you recruit in the parking lot outside your local Speed Dating venue.

These are your tax dollars at work, people. Still undecided about who to vote for?

Shelley Lewis is author of Naked Republicans, A Full Frontal Exposure of Right-Wing Hypocrisy and Greed.

LSB: I thought the Conservative philosophy was about fiscal responsibility, less government intrusion in individuals’ lives, and ineffective social engineering programs were a "waste of the taxpayer dollars. Apparently this philosophy only extends to the bedroom door – then the extreme religious right (and the Repubs they’ve bought) can goose-step their way right into our bedrooms and dictate their moral absolutes. This program proposes to spend $50 MILLION – borrowed money, we’re actually in debt – to advocate that single twenty-somethings – legal adults – should refrain from out-of-wedlock sex in order to reduce the number of bastard children… to continue, if you will, the abstinence message they are getting in school… to “stay the course,” if you will, another ineffective program. Attractive, ego-centric, tight-bodied men and women in the horniest time of their lives – with little or no knowledge of contraception they might have learned in school (or, heaven forbid, at home) – should “Just Say No!” Have I got that right? Legal adults… legal activities… “just say no!” Why stop with twenty-somethings – most women are fertile through their 30’s (and often into their 40’s), so why not expand the program? And, really, we just need to focus on and control the sexual habits of women, as they are, afterall, the ones who have these bastard children. Perhaps we should just have unmarried, fertile women wear burkas until they marry; that may help to reduce both the number of bastard children on welfare and/or the number of abortions. $50 MILLION will buy a lot of burkas. Let’s get real, folks! How far will we allow the influence of the extreme religious right to go before we say, “Enough!”?