Cliff's Corner

Happy Friday the 13th! Or as Republicans call it, just another day to stalk kids!

It has been quite a week hasn’t it? Chris Shays cut and run from lucidity; right-wing, self-loathing, corporate-humping pseudo-Christians decided that gays are pretty much responsible for everything from acid rain to David Hasselhoff's music and now there’s an investigation into Congressman Kolbe’s tent-pitching with teenagers in the Grand Canyon.

So it has taken only two weeks for the GOP to go from the Daddy Party to the Who’s Your Daddy? Party. Nice work.

But not to be outdone on the malefactor scale, Bob Ney admitted that, “yeah what the hell, I’m a criminal” and speaking of our penal codes (calm down Foley, they’re over seventeen years old) it turns out that George Allen appears to have an arrest on his record from 1974. Inquiring minds are hunting down the details as I write this.

I mean are these really the freakin’ people who are running my country? Tell me this is a joke, like Kevin Federline’s rapping or Ann Coulter’s larynx. Because if you gave this script to Days Of Our Lives, they would probably kick your ass right out of the building for it’s being so ridiculous as to be not worthy of soap opera.

The predictable result is that each day that goes by the Republican Party is sinking faster than Rush after his baggage is confiscated on the way back from the Dominican Republic. I mean we are Democrats, so I am not going to get overly sanguine about some of these unbelievable poll numbers.

But I am hearing that approximately sixty Republican house seats are now considered in play. Tom Reynolds would be wetting himself over this if he were not already soaked worrying about his own seat.

Yet, at least the Bush Administration has eased tension all around by handling the North Korea situation so well. Ignoring people you don’t like—that seems like a good idea. If I understand it correctly, we had to invade Iraq to stop them from sharing nuclear weapons they didn’t have with terrorists, but insulting North Korea and allowing them to get nuclear weapons they can pass on to terrorists is a good idea. Got it.

Let’s call it the Bush Doctrine. Or being a retard. I’ll leave it up to you.

I must run along now, a little earlier than usual, as a few matters loom. But I just wish to remind you before I leave that when in doubt: blame the gays. It’s surely the reason that the top-fifteen divorce states all voted for Bush while eleven of the twelve states where people divorce least voted for Kerry.

Damn gays—when will they stop undermining all of our sacred institutions?

For what I'll call a particularly "energetic" edition of my weekly recounting of Republican Sexcapades on The Young Turks, go here.

- Cliff Schecter

LSB: Too funny!