Maybe you've heard the news lately: The Republican Party - the party of Lincoln, of Ike, of the Gipper, yes, that Republican Party - has gone homo.
The party of God, guts, and guns has become a soiree of poufs, pansies, and pederasts.
Well, it ends here. It ends now.
It ends with you - if you've got what it takes.
Think you do? Think you can cut taxes for billionaires by day and by night have regulation, procreative sexual intercourse with an actual woman - in the missionary position; no unguents; no "oral;" no diapers - and not fantasize about some Panamanian pool boy from that in-room video last week?
Think you can undergo the demanding, life-changing rite-of-passage we call "marriage" (to a woman), and not secretly yearn for the understanding touch of that sweet, crew-cut Congressional aide from Liberty U. on the Ways and Means staff? And then get up the next day and work to gut environmental rules and regs?
Think you can manage to get through a single lifetime without wearing women's clothing? In public, at least?
If you can, then we'd like to speak with you.
If thinking about women gets you physically aroused, however sporadically, and thinking about men doesn't, or doesn't all that much, there's a place for you in today's Republican Party. If you're a man, that is.
Because we want you on our team. We want you to be part of a new tradition - a tradition of Republican men who are proud to stand up and say, when asked by anyone, from a newspaper reporter to a vice cop to a Senate Ethics inquiry, "That's right - I'm married. To a woman. What do you think of that?"
Join our team, and you'll learn what "discipline" means. Not the discipline of ordinary conservative men - the recreational kind, the kind they refer to when the cloak room chatter turns to talk of state-of-the-art gear, and weapons, and "equipment."
We mean real discipline. The kind that trains the whole mind, the whole body, and the whole system of genitalia and so forth. The kind of discipline that separates ordinary men from Republican men, and Republican men from each other, God willing.
Join our team, and you'll learn what "courage" means. Because courage doesn't mean, not being afraid of a naked woman. Real courage means being afraid of a naked woman but doing what you have to do - what you've been trained to do, or paid to do, or maybe hypnotized to do - anyway.
Succeed, and you'll find resources you never knew you had. Institutes. Slush funds. "Consultancy positions." Lobbyist jobs that ask only that you eat lunch. And foundations with fellowships that can last a lifetime.
See your RNC recruiter and hear what he has to offer. Be straight with him and he'll be straight with you. We can all but guarantee it. Usually.
Join our team and, if you've got what it takes, you'll learn what the Republican motto means, and has meant for generations, or, rather, will have meant for generations, generations from now: Semper Hetero. Forever Straight.
The Republican Party.
Ellis Weiner was an editor of National Lampoon, a columnist for Spy, a contributor to ten thousand magazines, and a writer of children’s television. He is author of The Joy of Worry, the unjustly neglected but hilarious Drop Dead, My Lovely and The Big Boat to Bye-Bye, and Santa Lives! Five Conclusive Arguments for the Existence of Santa Claus.